Yes. #ofcourse #metoo.

Before the first admissions of #metoo cascaded into an avalanche there were already naysayers prevaricating about sexual harassment being subjective and lambasting the apparently rampant number of women who make false reports.

I hadn’t even reheated my first cup of coffee before I felt my day slipping away from me. Although it is never the responsibility of an oppressed or marginalized group to educate the oppressor or majority group, nothing will change if they do not. So I took a deep breath, microwaved my coffee and composed the following response to a retired law enforcement gentleman – a facebook friend of my sister’s friend. I know nothing about him except what I gleaned from his many comments. I knew that kindness and patience were incumbent upon me. If I wanted him to hear what I had to say I knew I had to craft how I was going to say it. Here is my contribution to a thread that kicked off a week (and counting) of discussions with male friends. And in this first case, a perfect stranger.

Hi *John*, I’m going to try not to ramble here but you’ve packed a lot into your concise comment – wish me luck!

1. What does “sexual-free” mean? (In response to my suggestion that employers implement The Rock Test he said: Interesting Heather M. Edwards. But I think a completely sexual free workplace is not what either sex (I believe in only 2 sexes) wants. Plus sexual harassment is when one person has power over the other and uses it sexually (or tries to). Unfortunately that had spread to people believing it is all sorts of things.)

I responded: I won’t speak for the female sex as a whole because we are just as nuanced a bunch as the male sex. And I don’t know what you mean by only two sexes. But obviously you’re opposed to the heartbreaking history of harassment, assault and violence against trans people – especially youth.

2. But I will speak for this straight woman alone and say I do not want sexualized jokes, comments or behavior in the workplace. Not because I’m Puritanical but because there are too many bad apples who lack the basic understanding of consent. Or ignore it. They are not willing to read other people and feel out who is open to the occasional dirty joke. They ask co-workers personal questions or make sexualized comments that are only appropriate, if at all, among people who have grown close. They feel entitled to say whatever they want and “oppressed” when they are politely asked not to. I don’t know you so I’m disinclined to share personal examples. But the majority of mine are actually coworkers – only once with a boss. And none of the thing that boss did were followed with “if you want a raise/promotion/etc”. He just said and did the things he wanted to.

3. You seem to be arguing that the legal definition of sexual harassment as the ol’ boss offering a promotion in exchange for sex. Or threatening something if a subordinate does not sleep with them. But the aim of this #metoo is to start these exact kinds of conversations so that people can exchange experiences and ideas to build a broader understanding of this iceberg and to highlight how often people, yes, not just women, are subjected to unwanted *anything* sexualized – from supervisors, equals or subordinates. I have both straight and gay male friends posting #metoo today too. So maybe some of these folks are describing harassment that is not actionable by HR, harassment that is not legally punishable. But the *unwanted* looks, whistles, jokes, unsolicited back rubs, comments, questions and advances that don’t always lead to sex to get an A or a promotion or out of a speeding ticket or whatever is still unwanted.

4. So maybe as you’re seeing the growing number of folks sharing this personal information today you can look at harassment through a moral, rather than legal lens. Just because behavior doesn’t meet the legal requirements for arrest doesn’t mean it isn’t harassing behavior that, at a bare minimum, makes it difficult to concentrate at work. And I for one do not want to work anyplace where any behavior shy of physical violence is permissible and I’m “overreacting”. We are already dealing with a ridiculous double-edged sword when it comes to unwanted behavior – either we’re making a big deal out of nothing, or when that nothing becomes something “valid” or “real” we’re hit with Well, why didn’t you say something sooner?

5. *Jane* is right about the outliers. And although they exist, and likely always will, please don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. SO. Please consider this – just because it isn’t illegal doesn’t mean it’s ok. Aand so much for not rambling – and that’s just the tip of the iceberg!

Thank you for reading everyone’s comments and engaging in this conversation. This woman appreciates it.